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Alabama Football Jokes

You're probably an Auburn fan if ...
... You can play the Auburn fight song using your armpit.
... Your wife's idea of cleaning house is throwing everything out into the yard.
... The Roto-Rooter man stops by your trailer and asks, "What's that smell?"
... You're a member of the Skoal Frequent Purchaser Program.
... You looked up your family tree and your uncle spit on you.
... You joined Alcoholics Anonymous so you can drink and use a different name.
... You looked out for #1 and stepped in #2 !!!
... You won't buy a Japanese car because you're afraid you won't understand what they say on the radio.
... Your kids go to a private school and they won't tell you where it is.
... Your Granny beats you in the tobacky spittin' contests.

How do you get an Auburn student off your porch?
Pay him for the pizza!

An Alabama fan was driving down a country road when he came upon two Auburn football players hitchhiking. He told the Auburn players to jump in the back of his pick-up truck. He then drove down the dirt road rather fast and lost control of the truck as they were going around a curve. The truck landed in a lake. The Alabama fan scrambled to the surface and swam to the bank. When he looked back at the lake, the two Auburn football players were still sitting in the bed of the truck looking frantic. As the truck began sinking the Bama fan yelled for the Auburn players to get out truck, to which they replied, "We're tryin' to get out, but we can't get the dang tailgate open!"

Do you know why Auburn can't have Driver's Ed and Sex Ed on the same day?
... They only have one mule

Two Auburn fans have been walking in the woods for eight hours when they stop and one turns to the other and says, "I'm cutting the next Christmas tree we find, lights or no lights."

An Auburn fan and an Alabama fan both go over to Tunica to do a little gambling. After a couple of hours the Alabama fan was broke. He looks over and sees the Auburn fan with a wheelbarrel full of quarters. The Alabama fan walks over to him and says, "Wow, where did you win all that?" To which the Auburn fan replies, "You see that machine on the wall over there? If you put a dollar in you get four quarters back every time!"

What's the difference between an Auburn sorority sister and a scarecrow?
One lives in a field and is stuffed with hay. The other frightens birds and small animals.

What's the best road sign in Auburn?
Tuscaloosa - 120 miles

Two Auburn Engineering students were tasked to measure the height of a flag pole as a class assignment. They decided to measure the flag pole outside of Legion Field at the south end of the stadium. While attempting this task one student would hold the tape while the other climbed the flag pole with the other end of the tape. Much to their disappointment the student climbing the pole kept sliding down and could not get to the top. An astute Alabama graduate was observing from a distance and suggested that the Auburn students disconnect the flag pole and measure the pole while on the ground. The Auburn students enraged by the suggestion yelled out " We want to know how tall it is not how long it is you idiot"

A country bumpkin family from Auburn decides to go to the Big Apple for the first Time in their lives; Maw, Paw and their son. They go into the Empire State Building. As they're walking around they notice the elevator. Never seeing one before they stand in front of it bewildered. While staring at it an old lady in a wheelchair rolls up to it, pushes the button, the door opens, she rolls herself inside and the door closes. The Auburn hick family watches as the lights for each floor light as it goes up. They continue to watch as the numbers go down again. The door opens and out walks this tall gorgeous blonde. Legs to her neck. Great figure. Beautiful! Paw looks at his son and says, "Quick boy, shove yer Maw in there!!"

A guy goes into a bar and asks the bartender if he wants to hear a good Auburn joke. The bartender says, "Before you tell it, you should know that I am 6-2 and weigh 225 and I'm an Auburn fan. See that guy at the end of the bar? He's 6-4 and weighs 250 and he's an Auburn fan, too. And see the guy at the other end of the bar? He's 6-6 and weighs 280 and he's an Auburn fan, too! Now, do you still want to tell your Auburn joke?" The guy says, "Nah." To which the bartender smiles and says, "What's the matter? Are you chicken?" The guy says, "Nah. I just don't want to have to explain it three times."

Billy Bob from Auburn started his first day of kindergarten. When he got home he rushed to tell his Paw, "Paw, Paw, Teacher ast us to ree-cite the alpherbet today en Ah wuz the onliest one that could!" His Paw replied "That's cuz you's from Allbarn, son!" The next day he came home and told his Paw "Paw, Paw, Teacher ast us to count as high as we could en Ah counted the highest!" His Paw replied, "That's cuz you's from Allbarn, son!" The next day, he came home and told his Paw "Paw, Paw, today, when we wuz all in the li'l boys room, Ah noticed Ah wuz the biggest of all! Ah bet that's cuz Ah'm from Allbarn, huh Paw?" His Paw replied, "No son, that's cuz yer 17 years old."

What is the most common line used by an Auburn alum?
Would you like fries with that?

Why is Auburn always in the dark?
Because they're afraid of Alabama Power.

What do you call a genius at Auburn?
Visitor.

A football fan walks into a small shop in Birmingham. He spots a bottle labeled "Alabama Football Player Brains" , $5 an ounce. He asks the clerk if there are any other bottles. The clerk replies, "Well, we've got Tennessee brains for $10 an ounce, and Auburn football brains for $1,000,000 an ounce." The man says, "Why the big difference in price?" The clerk answers,"Do you know how many Auburn football players we have to kill to get an ounce of brains!"

What was the last thing David Housel said to Terry Bowden?
Don't let the door knob hit you in the head!

An Alabama and an Auburn cheerleader where each late for breakfast at cheerleading camp so they had to eat cereal instead of a hot breakfast. The Alabama cheerleader fixed her bowl of Cheerios and went to sit at a nearby table. The Auburn cheerleader picked up the box and started to pour herself some, but suddenly stopped with a dumb look on her face. The Alabama cheerleader asked her what was wrong, to which the Auburn cheerleader replied, "Nothing. I've just never seen doughnut seeds before!"

What is the difference between a litter of puppies and Auburn fans?
The puppies stop whining after 6 weeks.

Two Auburn fans are walking in the woods. One says, "Look! A dead bird." The other one looks up into the sky and says, "Where?"

Do you know the difference between an Auburn fan getting run over by a car and an Alabama fan?
There are skid marks in front of the Bama fan!!

Two innebriated Auburn fans are walking along a railroad track. One says, "Darn! These stairs are killin' me!" The other says, "It's ain't the stairs I can't stand, it's the low handrails!"
What's a seven course meal at Auburn?
A possum and a six-pack.

A Bama alum, a Tennesse alum and an Auburn alum have been captured by Iraqi forces and are about to be executed by firing squad. First, the Bama alum is blindfolded and placed in front of the firing squad. The Iraqi officer said, "Ready, aim...." The Bama alum yells "Sandstorm!" and all the Iraqis hit the dirt and the Bama alum runs away. The Tennesse guy was placed in front of the firing squad. The officer said "Ready, aim....."; The Tennesseean shouted " Tornado!!!!". All the Iraqis again hit the dirt while the Volunteer escaped. The auburn guy thought this was great. When he was blindfolded, again the officer shouted "Ready, aim...." The Aubie shouted "FIRE!"

There were three people being executed via electric chair for committing a serious crime. One was an Alabama graduate, one a Vanderbilt graduate, and the other, an Auburn graduate. They were told that if they could survive, they could go free. The Alabama guy sat in the electric chair, and the executioner asked, "Do you have any last words?" The Alabama guy said, "Yeah. Roll Tide!". The executioner pushed the button, but the Alabama guy survived so he got to go free. The Vanderbilt guy sat in the electric chair, and the executioner asked him if he had any last words. He said, "Yeah. Go Vandy!" The executioner pushed the button, but the Vanderbilt guy survived so he got to go free. The Auburn guy now went to the electric chair, and again the executioner asked, "Do you have any last words?" The Auburn guy said, "Yeah. Your electric chair is unplugged."

Did you hear about the two Auburn students who died in the cafeteria last week? They were trying to get milk and the cow fell on them.

Do you know why Terry Bowden was fired?
He was too short to step down.

An Auburn offensive lineman who doesn't hold, a humble Florida Gator, and Santa Claus all checked into the same hotel. As they entered the elevator, they spotted a $50 bill on the floor. Who ended up with the money and why? Answer: Santa Claus - the other two aren't real!

What do they put on the bottoms of Coke bottles at Auburn?
Please open other end.

This year's Auburn team is so sorry they have to buy a house just to get a yard.

How do you keep an Auburn football player out of your yard?
Put a goal post in it.

A couple of Auburn frat boys were watching CNN in their rooms when the network showed a clip of a desperate man standing on the ledge of a building. "I'll bet you $50 he jumps," one frat boy said. "You're on," the other said, sealing the deal with a handshake. The man jumped to the sidewalk below. "I can't take your money," the frat boy told his friend. "This is a rerun. I saw it about an hour ago." "I did, too," the other admitted. "I didn't think he'd be stupid enough to do it again."

Santa, the Easter Bunny, an intelligent Auburn player, and a drunk man are walking down the street. They spot a $50 bill on the ground. Who ends up with the $50? The drunk, the other three are fictional characters.

Bubba had a memorable career playing football at Auburn, but after 15 years of study, he had yet to graduate.

Sensing a problem, Auburn’s president called Bubba into his office. He said, “Bubba, everyone loves you. You are the most popular man on campus but if you don’t graduate soon, we’re going to lose our accreditation. Not to worry though, we’ve got a plan. Next Saturday, during halftime of the football game at Jordan-Hare, we’re going to give you a little test. Just one question; that’s all. Get it right and you graduate. Get it wrong and you must drop out of school.”

Bubba agreed and studied all week. Halftime came and as he walked out onto the field thousands of Auburn fans began chanting in unison, “Bubba, Bubba, Bubba...” Suddenly, everyone got quiet as the president read Bubba’s question over the PA system. “What is 2 plus 2?” Bubba thought and thought and thought. Then with an anxious voice, he sheepishly said, “Four.” Deathly quiet for an awkward 3 or 4 seconds, then the crowd with one unified loud voice began to chant, “One more chance, one more chance!”

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